shout and feel it.

It was my Gram who first introduced me to jazz. She was a grand person, that's why we called her Gram, the title suited her perfectly--a woman who had perfect posture and smoked and drank dry brandy Manhattans with olives and brought us to restaurants with live music, the kind of fancy places where most people looked down upon children's presence (we had to mind our manners of course, and when we were very good were allowed to put dollars in the piano man's jar to request songs). She would tell us stories of our step-grandfather, of all the big band records he collected and their nights out on the town dancing. Ella became a familiar name before i can remember her not being so, and she exerted her presence constantly throughout the house from her proper domain--the record player. With the addition of wooden spoons, we became part of her entourage. I only found out later, that my proper Gram had moonlighted as a lounge singer briefly, top-of-piano-sitting and all.

At age thirteen i fell for a boy and through connecting circumstances fell in love with swing as well, devouring fragments of words and melodies; one artist, one song, leading to the next. Django became my main man then; some people still wonder how it is that an 80s baby, someone who doesn't even play guitar, could become so obsessive over a 1930s gypsy. My answer remains: just listen and you'll know.

My piano teacher never allowed me to play this kind of music, she was from the old old school and probably would have slapped my fingers with a ruler if she knew i thought of anything other than Mozart and Schubert. I never knew that flat-finger playing existed, nor that it could sound so wonderful and dischordant at the same time. Nor that you could still properly play a piano while doing so. These truths i've only learned very recently. (and i know i have a lot more to learn).

Another more important boy cemented my relationship with jazz, turned what i knew upside down and inside out, topsy turvy and all around. For a introverted girl who intellectualizes everything, feels the comfort in memorizing exact layouts and pieces, it was a little much at times, letting loose and letting the music lead you. But it is that freedom and that beauty that still draws me to it.

And the fact that there's always more to hear. And that every time, i'll hear something different.